I’ve got to tell you, I was excited when I first heard they were making a movie based on the fantastic hit first person shooter video game Doom. You see, Doom holds a special spot in my heart as the first of it’s genre I came to love before I knew any other. It was almost like I lost my violent videogame virginity to it, and it was not a tender lover. It tossed me about as Hell-born beasts ripped bloody claw marks down my computer monitor. To this day the click of an empty shotgun in a dark hallway still gives me chills. It was by far one of the first games to hook me and for that, I will forever love it.

Then Doom 3 was released, a perfectly realized up to date interpretation of the original and I was once again hooked. Beautiful graphics, a few good scares, awesome sound effects, and great game play made for an overall fun experience. Now keep in mind that the various Doom games have never been too heavy on plot. The basic gist being some scientists accidentally rip a hole in the universe that ends up being a portal to hell. So don’t expect Tolkien, but it has some basis for a movie right? Heck, they sent a ship there under the same premise in the vastly underrated Event Horizon.

Well apparently all the plot possibilities weren’t enough because when Doom became the latest video game to movie adaptation to hit the silver screen, the studio decided to change the whole damn plot and make a steaming pile of shit with one huuuge plot

element, maybe the most critical one, left right the fuck out. Then they took the remaining bits and stirred in some lousy writing to give us yet another video game to movie to join the ranks that are so bravely held (or perhaps disgraced is the right word) by the likes of the Van Damme desecrated Street Fighter and the Freddie Prinze Jr. polluted Wing Commander.

We open with some scientists running like hell from an unknown growling creature that seems all at once to be behind them and under them at the same time. It’s a confusing scene but you get the message: they’re scared and something is getting some killing done. Anyways, it’s a promising opener as you assume the portal is open and hell is spilling over. They even tell you in the opening credits about a portal in Utah or Nevada that goes to Mars and… yadda yadda yadda. Don’t get your hopes up kids. It still ends up being a steaming pile. The scientists send out a distress call and the job goes to... the

crappiest space marines to ever be seen on DVD. They are of course lead by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who, despite the bit of acting potential he’s displayed in the past, manages to deliver every line with the same strained monotone voice. It’s comical but not nearly as amusing as his crack squad of space marines. 

They introduce them via a cheap gimmick where a seemingly omnipresent computer says their names when they pick up their guns. The best name out of the bunch: ‘The Kid.’ That’s it. First name The, last name Kid. It’s like the writers just didn’t want to put in that extra thirty seconds of thought to give him a name. The Kid ends up being a drug addict which is the least of this bunch of losers’ problems. One of them is basically a drug dealing rapist, another a lame playboy, another is CRAZY religious guy, none of them listen to the Rocks orders, though truth be told I would have a hard time not falling asleep to his soothing monotones. The marines from Aliens would have ripped these guys to shreds faster then you can say box office flop. And it only gets worse from here.

The team arrives somewhere, it’s not entirely made clear but Mars has essentially a big ‘tele-deck’ type room where there are just a large, random collection of survivors who don’t seem the least bit concerned by the people dying horrific deaths in their neighborhood lab. One of our survivors turns out to be sister to one of our crappy marines played by Karl Urban who deserves a mention since he was part of the Lord of the Rings series. There's a bit of back story... but the basics consist of parents who died

on Mars and Urban being a bit of pussy about it while his sister is a Mars regular. There is some weak reasoning on why she has to go with the team into the now dangerous lab but thanks to her we end up getting the plot element that made yours truly curse up a stream George Carlin would be proud of. Ready?

That part they just left the fuck out I mentioned earlier just happens to be the whole gimmick. Hell has abso-fucking-lutley nothing to do with the creatures. It’s all weapons research the sister has been conducting for the government. The creatures look like we expect but are just the by product of a super solider serum which only actually makes you bad if you are bad at heart. The Rock ends up becoming the villain somewhere along the line due to this and Urban’s character is suddenly the hero whereas he is promptly killed by the Evil Rock. Luckily sister knows the serum will turn him into a nice

super solider even though his name is Reaper and she hasn’t seen him in ten years. Yeah, as confusing to me as it is to you. Anyway, that brings us to the film’s next half assed trick, the much toted ‘first person camera.’

If you recall the marketing campaign for this they pushed the “brand new angle on movies that never been done before” marketing slant. Well let me tell you, it’s rubbish. If you ever played the aforementioned Doom 3 you’ve already seen this. I kid you not. It’s maybe a smidge better but done like a non gamer would do it. They copied the exact movements from Doom 3. Same shotgun loading, same swing with the chainsaw, even the dog thing attacks the same. Of all the shit to copy verbatim from the game(s) they take the character movements and leave out the whole bloody plot?!? It just makes no sense. But then, neither does much of the whole movie itself. It’s a perfect exampled of half-assed laziness and nonsensical bullshit.

What do I mean by this? How about the religious marine who manages to talk about Hell in every scene he has and yet, what does religion have to do with it since Hell has been left out of the plot in the first place? How about the extremely dull seven minutes of flirting between Urban’s sister and one of the other marines only to kill him about three minutes later? How about just

not putting a nuance of creativity into your biggest gimmick the ‘first person’ bullshit? How about bringing up the parents dying bit with the brother and sister when their death has absolutely nothing to do with the monsters? How about the writers not using a bit of common sense about how marines are supposed to act? And why does Urban’s sister have to go into an extremely dangerous place when all she needs to do is download some files which any one of the team of morons could have done with her coordinating over the radio? Why? WHY? WHY???

The real question here is: Why are we still getting this type of crap from Hollywood? Why, when there are so many talented writers and directors out there are we getting the Doom and the Daredevil type flicks? You want to know what I think? I’m assuming you do as you are still reading. I think one of the problems is that these films aren’t being made by fans but by movie executives. It would be like calling a plumber to fix your broken laptop

or something. But when a fan takes control we get the beauty that only one of our own can realize. We get films like Spider-Man, like Hostel, like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. We get the films that are done right. The ones we would have made if it were up to us. Alas that it’s not always in our hands. So until they stop putting out rubbish like Doom, The Talking Crow will be here to warn you.

I’ll close with this: If you still find yourself for some reason wanting to see this movie as I did, buy yourself a copy of Doom 3 for PC or Xbox. I guarantee your time and money is better spent with a controller in your hands then watching this pile. 

Until next time, Max out.