If you are a child of the ‘80s then it is nearly impossible for you not to have heard of the Transformers.  Beginning in 1984 as a toy line, the “Robots in Disguise” spawned multiple cartoons, comic books, an animated movie, and finally to much delight, a live action film.  The film, directed by Michael Bay (The Island, Armageddon), hit DVD racks on October 16th and told a tale of the noble Autobots coming to earth and battling the evil Decepticons.  Now that the dust has settled The Talking Crow has crawled out the rubble to report on everyone’s latest childhood obsession which was interpreted for the big screen.  And our feelings are… mixed.  On the one hand the movie is a great action romp filled with some fun humor and impressive visuals. On the other hand it falls short of what many of the fans, including this reviewer, were actually hoping for by being too childish and focusing the film around human characters rather then the Transformers themselves.

Yeah, that’s right; the plot of Transformers isn’t really centered around (or even advanced much) by the giant sentient robots themselves.  Does this damn the  whole  film to  crappy movie  hell?  No, largely  thanks  to  the  main  character:  teenager  Sam,

played by Shia LaBeouf (Constantine, Disturbia).  This soon to be member of the Indiana Jones family manages to give us such an enjoyable performance that for the most part we don’t mind the bumbling ‘teen movie antics’ centering on him getting into the pants of super hot co-star Megan Fox.  And sure, we even get a chuckle or two out of some awkward conversation with Sam’s parents.  But the fact of the matter is, we really didn’t come to see a John Hughes movie so the film loses some points for devoting too much screen time to the awkward teenage love affair.

The fun part of the film is of course the continuing war between the Autobots and the Decepticons.  Both have inexplicitly come to Earth in search of the Allspark, a giant metal cube from which their race was born.  As it turns out Sam’s  great  grandfather  stumbled  upon  the Allspark, along with the leader of

the Decepticons – Megatron, frozen in an ice cave while exploring the North Pole in the early 1900’s.  Since that time both the cube and Megatron have apparently been kept under wraps by the United States government.  Despite the implication that the Autobots don’t actually have a clue where the Allspark is Bumblebee is already on Earth waiting to become Sam’s first car and do his best Herbie impression.  While the Decepticons are busy tapping into the U.S. government’s network to discover the location of their lost leader, the Autobots’ only plan seems to be to wait around until something happens.

For really no reason other than to advance what is shaping up to be a hollow plot, the Decepticons come looking for Sam’s grandfathers glasses which have the coordinates of the place where he made his artic discovery burned into the lenses.  This brings us to one of the films first major plot holes, as the Decepticons caring about the original location of the Megatron doesn’t make any sense since they already know the United States has him as a result of the network tapping.  Once they inevitably find Megatron the story quickly erupts into a fast paced struggle to keep the Allspark out of the Decepticon’s hands and save Earth from the same apocalyptic fate as the Transformers’ home world of Cybertron.  The story is generally progressed with dialogue from the human characters though, making the Transformers primarily one liner machines that show up for the action sequences.

However, action there is a plenty.  In most of his films director Michael Bay tends to blow things up for the sake of blowing things up, but thankfully manages to do it here with a little more focus.  The opening scene is an awesome ass-kicking of an entire military base delivered by the Decepticon Blackout,  which is the best example in the film of how helpless humans are compared

to these awesome robots.  An early chase scene involving Bumblebee and Barricade ends in a brawl that gives us our first taste of Transformer on Transformer action.  Aside from the occasional senseless explosion Bay tends to shoot his action sequences from too close of an angle, turning a quick fight into a blur of on screen motion.  Though this doesn’t hold one-hundred percent true for Transformers, it does in the case of Bumblebee and Barricade’s clash.  In fact, you’re not quite sure who wins until Bumblebee shows up in the next scene.  Of course there are some battles with more definitive conclusions such as Optimus Prime’s awesome beheading of Bonecrusher at the close of a brawl that takes place on a series of highway overpasses.

The action progresses until the final confrontation with the Autobots, lead by a late for no apparent reason Optimus Prime and supported by the U.S.

military, facing off against the Decepticons lead by Megatron.  Another plot hole glares at you here as for some reason an army officer decides to take the battle with the Decepticons to a city, which makes no sense since all this does is provide a higher chance of innocent casualties.  But Bay probably liked the idea of blowing up a city, and true to his knack for making a good action sequence it is an awesome and lengthy one.  Of course it does lose some of its potential cooler moments to bad angles and serious cheese, such as the aforementioned army officer dumping a motorcycle and sliding eight blocks across rubble strewn pavement on his back to deliver the killing shot to Decepticon Devastator.  None of this ruins it though; it just makes you wish a little more care had been taken while making the film. 

And that is unfortunately the sense you get from a lot of Transformers.  While it’s great to see our childhood favorites come to life in front of us it is disappointing to see them handled so carelessly.  Somehow, despite being an amazing looking movie, Transformers suffers from the same thing a movie like Eragon does.  Fans like you and us spot plot holes instantly.  Like how does it make any sense for Bumblebee, a twenty foot tall robot capable of kicking another twenty foot robot’s ass, to be taken down by two helicopters with harpoons and nets?  We spot campy bits that are inserted to make a test audience laugh.  The campiest of them all being Frenzy, a little Decepticon who speaks in computer noise gibberish the entire film, then uttering the phrase “oh shit!” right before he is finally dispatched.  And we can always spot a movie based on something we cherish being made by someone who cherishes big booms and big box office numbers more then respect for the source material, and therefore respect for the fans. And that is unfortunately the case with Michael Bay.

However to Bay’s credit, as with most of his films, the visuals are amazing.  The Transformers themselves are incredible despite having one, two, or thirty extra hoses and screws that don’t seem to make any mechanical sense.  Bay’s tendency to go over the top with everything save plot is perfectly displayed in those excess parts, but only  gets annoying at the  inclusion  of bright flames

on Optimus Prime.  Still, all the effects are great to watch and you hardly ever notice that you are seeing CGI characters interact with the real people and sets.  The shots that Bay sets up for properly (that is, not shown from a ridiculously tight angle) are equally as amazing.  The final battle includes one of the coolest shots in movie history, as Transformers and office building don’t mix too well.  I can’t say I didn’t leave the theater pumped and having enjoyed a good action blockbuster, but I did leave wishing it had been taken seriously.

To me Michael Bay is a product of the ‘MTV-ish’ entertainment that seems to dominate popular culture these days.  He has mastered the art of making movies that are shallow, frantic, and lacking any higher thinking from its audience.  And to purists such as us and the millions of other fans who so love  our geek properties, we say stop!   While you

can make all the Miami Vices and Armageddons you want, please Michael Bays of the world, leave our Transformers, our Daredevils, our Eragons, our Dooms, and countless others alone!  Leave them to the Peter Jacksons, the David Goyers, the Joss Whedons, and the J.J. Abrams of the world.  Those are our people, the people who will treat them with the care and respect they deserve.  Transformers could have used some of that care, but instead got the Bay treatment.  So we have a decent blockbuster which despite the clumsy, frantic handling is still entertaining thanks to some great lead acting and awesome action.  One last thing must be said, as it was conspicuously absent from the film, “transform and roll out…” to our forums, and let us know what you think.

-Max out.